


F**k the Templars!

by LadyLustful



Category: Assassin's Creed - All Media Types
Genre: Bad Puns, Being Walked In On, Crack, Dirty Talk, F/M, Outdoor Sex, Porn, Semi-Public Sex, smut and humor, snarky!Malik
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-10
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-11-30 08:25:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11459772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyLustful/pseuds/LadyLustful
Summary: Altair and Maria get walked in on. There is also a terrible pun.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Crack. Rated for sexual situations, profanity and a reference to murder.  
> This is terrible and immature, but I need to get back into practice.

 

Desmond Miles was dreaming...

Syria, early morning in the distant past...

Maria Thorpe is not like any women Altair has ever met in Syria. Hell, she probably isn't like the women in Europe either, based on what she has told him of it, and on the very fact that he had found her in the holy land in the guise of male crusader.

Case in point: she is letting him fuck her in the garden, which is private, granted, but still, anyone can see them from the adjacent rooftops, holding him down with all the not inconsiderable strength built up from months of wearing heavy armour and wielding a sword (not that he isn't giving as good as he gets), muttering into his ear to “Fuck me, dammit, fuck me harder, I can take it, give it to me... Oh god, right there!” among much other English profanity that he is not quite proficient in the language enough to decipher in his current state of arousal.

He's close, close enough that his Eagle vision and regular vision are blending and bleeding together and blurring into something that will, in a couple hundred years, be called surreal or psychodelic, the sensation too much and not enough at once, the pleasure not quite like anything he has ever experienced.

Suddenly, Malik Al-Sayf walks thought the arched door, gruffer-looking than usual with a cup of coffee in his sole hand.

“This is not the hidden blade you're supposed to stick Templars with, Novice.”

 


	2. Mission-ary Style

 

“No, Altair. I don't care that you're the Grand Master or what you've done, or what you're planning to, the order still cannot expense your honeymoon. Especially a second one.”

“You wound me, Malik. It's a legitimate mission.”

“Doing what? Dicking around in ruins and dusty old caves with your wife?”

“We'll be looking for a Piece of Eden.”

“So that's what they call it nowadays!”

 

 


End file.
